July 19th, 2012 Let It Go

So, I had a dream last night of Jeff's baby being born and them naming him Denis. I wasn't in the dream, it was just them and the baby in the hospital. So, thinking about it now half way through my day I've decided to just let go. Every time he comes to mind, I will force myself to think of something else. Facebook is going to be hard. Really hard. But I feel like that was a message from my dream that this is what you have to do. When Bryan was around it was an easy distraction. I've been telling all theses guys, Jon, Matt, and Adam, no and for what because I'm not that attracted to them? Well if I just want a distraction then why should it matter? Maybe I will start to like them. But Adam slept with Megan and I think that's a big no no. Megan is like Theresa she will do anything to try to break someone up. Actually, like Lydia, Ashley, and Theresa. They're all alike.

A year ago, they were the ones starting drama in my relationship. They were the ones who would bring up the most stupidest stuff ever to him. And tell him absolutely every thing I would do. They'd get a rise out of it. Like seriously? Why would you do that? No wonder why I was crazy, no one had my back! I had no one to turn to. So before you open your mouth about my past, maybe put yourself in my shoes.

July 4th, 2012 Jeff's Going To Loose It

Well, I was told that Jeff was not going to Richard Walton park, but he ended up going. We kept fighting before he even got there and he told me to leave his family alone and how I can't come. I told him I was staying and to stop starting drama. But he kept on with your not family you have to go. I still sat there and when he got there his uncle tried to tell him to pull up his pants but then Jeff got pissed and he tried to get in his face trying to tell him to step up and "be a man". Then he bitched about me being there. How I "wasn't allowed". I really wanted him to step up to me, but he didn't. Jeff's so stressed out, he's going to completely flip out any day now. I pray to god that he looses this kid. I know, I know. It's terrible, absolutely terrible to say or even think but I hope to god that this thing doesn't make it. I hope he doesn't make it with Vanessa either, by the sounds of it, they won't last long. He can't talk to Lydia, can't really go out. But you know what, he hasn't changed one bit. Lydia told me that he wanted to see what she would say or do if he said he got off early and went over to Chips house and she kicked him out and all his stuff was in the car. I bet any money that he is just staying with her just cause of that kid, watch after it's born or doesn't make it they wont last long at all. Seeing him today just kinda left me weird, like I don't want him but I just wish that he would try to just so I can be like ha ha bitch 3 years and I knew it. I fucking knew it. That's all I want and I know it's bad, but I just want to prove it. It breaks my heart how much he's changed... for the worse.