May 30th, 2012 Bryan

So I've been talking to this new guy, Bryan. I really really like him, but I really don't know if he just wants to do stuff with me or if he wants to do stuff with me. I haven't felt like this since Jeff and I very first started talking. I'm always second guessing what  I text him, whenever he says something to me I always tell myself he's not that into me. I always check my phone to see if he texted me. He's so freaking cute! I'm so scared I'm going to mess stuff up! Ahh! There are some things at give me a hint that he wants something more than sex, but then again he's super good with girls. 

Him and his ex have been on and off for a while though. Whenever they are going out I don't hear from him then when they break up I do. I think she's bigger in weight. I picture him to be with skinny ass girls not someone like her. Natalie Mehlhorn, some girls from work know her. I don't want to ask about her because what if he's not a great guy or something.

We went out last Saturday nite, with his friends. I kinda made him pay for me to get in but then he asked what I like to drink, I said a vodka and orange juice, he got me a drink. Then later in the night he randomly got me another one. I didn't expect that. It was kinda sweet. Then we went to a party of someone he knew and Josh was way to drunk. He kept trying to rap with a guy at the party. Matt was saying "he's getting married tomorrow" and "he's a producer". I think he was trying to get him to fight. I don't know but when we were making out his friend Matt kept interrupting. Bryan was getting pissed off at them. We got in the car and I said to Josh if he threw up on me I was going to hit him. Bryan and Matt laughed and Bryan said "I'll accept that." Matt asked if I would go out with Bryan, I said no and laughed. I didn't know what to say! Of course I would go out with him if he asked! Ugh.

Boys are stupid.

October 4th, 2010 Stupid boyfriend

Ok, thing is I have no one to talk to. My mom is a nagging, needs to control everything, complain about everything bitch, who don't stick up for me for shit. Her boyfriend bitches at everything as well, and complains I don't do anything. My sister, even tho we are getting along better, tells everyone everything I would say to her. My kid is 8 months old. My "boyfriend" is never around.

So with the srat of things, my boyfriend, we will call him leech. Didn't get me shit for my birthday. Always runs away to his friends house. Don't help watch his own kid. Bitches at me to do everything. Uses every excuse in the book, not to do something and to go out with his friends. I try and try to convince myself to let him go. But something always hold me back. FOr some stupid reason I always go back. STUPID! He has been in and out of jail, still at the age of 22 almost 23 STILL hanging out with the same loser friends that got him in there. I do not know what to do. He always chooses them over me. He doesn't even live with me anymore. He is suppose to be living with his parents, but since tonight I have a bad feeling that he is not. He finally got a job, and bitched that I was gonna file for child support on him. Which I was not. We got in a HUGE FIGHT because of that.  Tonight, he fucking

May 15th, 2012 The Update

May 15th, 2012

So lots has happened. Jeff and I been broken up since September, 2011. He has gotten back with his ex-girlfriend Vanessa. It really broke my heart at first but now... Now it just feels like the moment you see your crash flirting with another girl the same way he was flirting with you... It feels like that. When your heart just sorta aches a bit. Any who, they are having a kid. Yeah she's pregnant. -sigh- This is where my heart stops for a minute and my mind turns blank. Like a deer with head lights pointed straight at him. 

The thing that sucks is that I don't have time to be sad about it I don't have time to cry over it. I can't because my sister will tell everyone. He will use it against me. It will show weakness and I can't do that. He will throw it in my face and try to make it seem like his life is so great. Then it will hurt me even more.

 It's sad to think, that the only reason why I feel for this guy was because he was different from everyone else I dated. This was the guy who I didn't sleep with for 2 months after first started dating and the day after we first had sex... he bought me a rose. I think it was in his parents house upstairs in his bedroom. This same guy was the one who asked, asked if he could kiss me. Who rode his bike over all the time just to see me. I remember when he told me "Your the best girlfriend I ever had. I don't deserve someone like you". I remember him telling me that all the time. I remember I couldn't get enough of him. Then I look back and I realize that I couldn't get enough of him because he was never around enough. It all was about his friends and having a good time. I don't see why I couldn't see all the signs. 

All I want is to have a good relationship, as in FRIENDSHIP with him so Stella wouldn't feel stuck between us. That's all. Just a nice friendly relationship. I don't think that's fair for him to make her choose. If he missed her so much, he'd love to go to the park with both of us, NOT WITH VANESSA. 

He was a complete horseshit father to begin with. HORSE SHIT. He would walk by her and didn't recognize her existence.Never spent any time with her, never did anything with her. When he watched her he would sleep and ignore her. He would barely feed her and let everyone else watch her. How is that not going to mess up a child? How is that ok for a parent to do? I can understand depression, but repeating it over and over again. There comes a point when enough is enough. I feel so dumb, I was the only one who had faith in him on more than one occasion. 

It kills me to not know why he left....