May 15th, 2012 The Update

May 15th, 2012

So lots has happened. Jeff and I been broken up since September, 2011. He has gotten back with his ex-girlfriend Vanessa. It really broke my heart at first but now... Now it just feels like the moment you see your crash flirting with another girl the same way he was flirting with you... It feels like that. When your heart just sorta aches a bit. Any who, they are having a kid. Yeah she's pregnant. -sigh- This is where my heart stops for a minute and my mind turns blank. Like a deer with head lights pointed straight at him. 

The thing that sucks is that I don't have time to be sad about it I don't have time to cry over it. I can't because my sister will tell everyone. He will use it against me. It will show weakness and I can't do that. He will throw it in my face and try to make it seem like his life is so great. Then it will hurt me even more.

 It's sad to think, that the only reason why I feel for this guy was because he was different from everyone else I dated. This was the guy who I didn't sleep with for 2 months after first started dating and the day after we first had sex... he bought me a rose. I think it was in his parents house upstairs in his bedroom. This same guy was the one who asked, asked if he could kiss me. Who rode his bike over all the time just to see me. I remember when he told me "Your the best girlfriend I ever had. I don't deserve someone like you". I remember him telling me that all the time. I remember I couldn't get enough of him. Then I look back and I realize that I couldn't get enough of him because he was never around enough. It all was about his friends and having a good time. I don't see why I couldn't see all the signs. 

All I want is to have a good relationship, as in FRIENDSHIP with him so Stella wouldn't feel stuck between us. That's all. Just a nice friendly relationship. I don't think that's fair for him to make her choose. If he missed her so much, he'd love to go to the park with both of us, NOT WITH VANESSA. 

He was a complete horseshit father to begin with. HORSE SHIT. He would walk by her and didn't recognize her existence.Never spent any time with her, never did anything with her. When he watched her he would sleep and ignore her. He would barely feed her and let everyone else watch her. How is that not going to mess up a child? How is that ok for a parent to do? I can understand depression, but repeating it over and over again. There comes a point when enough is enough. I feel so dumb, I was the only one who had faith in him on more than one occasion. 

It kills me to not know why he left....