August 16th, 2012 Rest In Peace

I met him a very times, and my friends were good friends with him. But that's not what got to me. His name is Shawn Swanson, everyone called him Swanny. He was so full of life, always smiling and always positive! Well Saturday night he passed away. There was a group of 5 guys, one of them being Swanny and my old friend Cole. The new report said they were car surfing but they say he was sitting out the window. They were drinking, all of them and messing around, the next thing they know he falls out the window and dies. Cole was under the legal limit, but he still had some drinks. He went to jail and got out on Monday or Tuesday.

Thinking back, Cole and I use to be best friends. I talked to him all the time. Back then I knew he could be something great. After we left middle school we totally drifted apart. He started hanging out with Mikey and they we're drunk and taking the boat out on the lake then decided to go swimming and their friend, I don't know his name, drowned and died. Then he started hanging out with Alex and Adrian when Cole was still underage, and they burned someones house. Cole got off the hook for that. He kept hanging out with Alex after that. But he just kept on doing stupid stuff like drink all the damn time, smoke too much, and hang out with the wrong people. When him and Crystal were together he kept talking to Leah! Crystal was drop dead gorgeous. Cole was completely in love with her, but the idiot kept talking to Leah. I mean he did calm down for a while, he didn't burn any more houses. But he just kept doing dumb stuff. It just shows you....

   Who you hang out with, is who you become!

July 19th, 2012 Let It Go

So, I had a dream last night of Jeff's baby being born and them naming him Denis. I wasn't in the dream, it was just them and the baby in the hospital. So, thinking about it now half way through my day I've decided to just let go. Every time he comes to mind, I will force myself to think of something else. Facebook is going to be hard. Really hard. But I feel like that was a message from my dream that this is what you have to do. When Bryan was around it was an easy distraction. I've been telling all theses guys, Jon, Matt, and Adam, no and for what because I'm not that attracted to them? Well if I just want a distraction then why should it matter? Maybe I will start to like them. But Adam slept with Megan and I think that's a big no no. Megan is like Theresa she will do anything to try to break someone up. Actually, like Lydia, Ashley, and Theresa. They're all alike.

A year ago, they were the ones starting drama in my relationship. They were the ones who would bring up the most stupidest stuff ever to him. And tell him absolutely every thing I would do. They'd get a rise out of it. Like seriously? Why would you do that? No wonder why I was crazy, no one had my back! I had no one to turn to. So before you open your mouth about my past, maybe put yourself in my shoes.

July 4th, 2012 Jeff's Going To Loose It

Well, I was told that Jeff was not going to Richard Walton park, but he ended up going. We kept fighting before he even got there and he told me to leave his family alone and how I can't come. I told him I was staying and to stop starting drama. But he kept on with your not family you have to go. I still sat there and when he got there his uncle tried to tell him to pull up his pants but then Jeff got pissed and he tried to get in his face trying to tell him to step up and "be a man". Then he bitched about me being there. How I "wasn't allowed". I really wanted him to step up to me, but he didn't. Jeff's so stressed out, he's going to completely flip out any day now. I pray to god that he looses this kid. I know, I know. It's terrible, absolutely terrible to say or even think but I hope to god that this thing doesn't make it. I hope he doesn't make it with Vanessa either, by the sounds of it, they won't last long. He can't talk to Lydia, can't really go out. But you know what, he hasn't changed one bit. Lydia told me that he wanted to see what she would say or do if he said he got off early and went over to Chips house and she kicked him out and all his stuff was in the car. I bet any money that he is just staying with her just cause of that kid, watch after it's born or doesn't make it they wont last long at all. Seeing him today just kinda left me weird, like I don't want him but I just wish that he would try to just so I can be like ha ha bitch 3 years and I knew it. I fucking knew it. That's all I want and I know it's bad, but I just want to prove it. It breaks my heart how much he's changed... for the worse.

June 19th, 2012 Jeff Ignoring Stella

So, Jeff REFUSES to answer any of my calls, changed his picture from Stella to a truck for Vanessa, makes up lame ass excuses to why he can't take Stella, when I ask him to get something... he gets something completely different.. WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT ME TO DO?! You low life son of a bitch, taking your anger out on Stella because your pissed at me for telling you the god damn truth. I cannot wait for you to have this kid to ignore it as well. Nothing will please me more than that god damn MISTAKE being fucked up for the rest of it's life. I hope he doesn't live so you can't have another person to neglect. I hope that she becomes even more of a psycho bitch for you to deal with for the rest of your life. Nothing will make me more happy than you loosing that kid. I wish you the worst life possible, all your fucking bull shit is just insane. Your acting like a whipped little fucking bitch. She doesn't have a job, you take care of her, you have to listen to her every fucking move or she'll kick you out. It goes by what she says, if she says no you can't see your kid then no you can't. Only if she wants to. You could see your kid at your parents house, but no your too much of a pussy little cunt to do that. You can't help out with bills, you can't help out with shit. I cannot wait for this child support to go through, I hope it puts even more of a strain on your relationship. I really hope you guys break up. I know it wont happen until after this mistake is born but I know you'll get sick of the responsibility. Your such a little fuck up it's not even funny. I hope your life is a living hell.

June 18th, 2012 Bryan Talk W/Lori

So you know how I have been telling you about how I'm not sure if Bryan likes me likes me or just likes me just for a booty call... Ok maybe I have and maybe I haven't. But anyway, I was talking to Lori about it and everything else and she said "you both seem like your guarded I think he does like you". Which makes me happy, I want to believe that but I don't want to get hurt you know? He's just so great, he texts me good morning and all that. Yesterday, he BARELY goes on facebook, he IM'd me on there. I really like him. I have a big crush on him. He came over Friday night and said we're going out, major turn on, so we went to Shawn's house hung out there for a while and then went to his house to watch a movie... However we never got to that movie. I really like him a lot. I always thought he was hot. When we were hanging out in his room, he asked what I was thinking about and I said that you have way more clothes than I own, he laughed and said some of them don't fit.. everytime I try to throw them out I think what if I get skinny again? Ha ha, we ended up having sex twice, we both fell asleep then Sam texted and I woke up... We were just about to go when we did it again. But instead of lay there we both got up because we would have fell asleep right away. Then on the way home, he asked about birth control, I said I already told you I had the IUD in... He said Oh yeah thats right, thought about it and asked how effective is it? I told him well I had it in for 2 years now and I'm not pregnant. He said "Oh so it's pretty well tested" I looked at him and started laughing and said um... yeah. He looked at me and said You know when you don't think things through before you say them, well that's what just happened. Ha ha it was kinda cute. He makes me smile :)

June 17th, 2012 Father's Day

Well, today is stupid ass father's day. Stella is with Barb and Dean because Jeff had to get drunk instead of take his kid... This is our conversation:

Me: Can you take Stella Saturday overnight?
Jeff: Sorry I have a family members grad party to go to this weekend
Me:Stella is your family too you douche. Plus, I'm positive Luke wouldn't care if she came.
Jeff: Not doing it drinking
Me:If I had a chance to take my kid who I barely get to see, I'd drop everything I had planned for my own flesh and blood. But it's cool, I'll ask your mom.
Jeff: U know ur not going to Luke's grad party ur not allowed
Me: I'm going out with my boyfriend that nite you jackass I wouldn't go anywhere I knew you'd be
Jeff: Sorry I can not watch her I will be drunk
Me: That's your choice to drink and not spend time with stella. Don't say sorry when you dont mean it.

Ever since then he hasn't text me back. I been trying to ask him to take her and no. He can ask to take her to the park with his gf who I wanted to file harassment on and invite me, idiot. And then I ask for a days notice and the stupid fuck wants to ask for her in a few hours? FUCK OFF JEFF! FUCK OFF! I swear to god if it wasn't for him about to loose his kid I woulda pressed charges on that fool. How can you not be there for you kid? FUCK YOU.

 Is it sad to say that I want his new kid to come out deformed and messed up? That I hope it doesn't survive.... I feel terrible, I mean I feel bad for the kid but I can't stop thinking that. I just can't. You can't be a father to your kid that you have now, why should you have another one? How stupid can someone be. I can honestly say that I am not surprised one bit that she is pregnant. I had a feeling she either was or was going to get pregnant. PLUS, he was begging for one ever since he got out of jail. Literally begging to have another one. Thank god I got the IUD.

I really just want to tell his crazy bitch, HA! He does not love you. He told me the same shit, how your the best girl ever, how he doesnt deserve you, how you make him better, and how he bought you a flower after you first had sex, and how whenever he feels like your super pissed at him and ready to walk away he comes back and says "Oh im sorry, I really want to change I just dont know how, I love you so much, I dont know why I do what I do" Yeah all that bull shit he told me too. Cunt. Your no different than any other girlfriend he's had cause he said the SAME shit to Cassy too.

I think it's weird hot his family is on my side and my sister and my mom are on his side. His family came into my work and talked to me when they left they said they missed me and how no one misses him. We had a great time, I do miss them... so so so much. I just really cant get along with him and that makes things awkward.

I have noticed how he isn't around his family that much anymore. Probably because he's embarrassed to be around them now. Ha ha ha bitch your life is fucked up and I hope it stays this way. Your such an embarrassment to everyone your around.  I cannot stand the stupid fucker.

June 15TH, 2012 Date W/Bryan

So Bryan had been so busy lately, with finding a house and all that I havent seen him for a week. So I been riding his ass the past couple days about him being so busy. Finally Friday night he came over and told me we were going out. I asked where and he said Canada. We went to Shawns house and then to his house. We had sex two times. Once when we were just hanging out on the bed and the next when we were about to leave. I kissed him when we were walking out the door, we were SUPER tired, and he said "ahh we gotta go before you get me worked up again" Ha ha. He kept asking me to sleep over but I had Stella. =/ I wanted to! But of course he was going up north Saturday and I had no Stella so that was a bummer. It sucked. But I told Lori about how it bugs me that he can go days without texting and she said its a guy thing. She wants to meet him, she thinks that we both are guarded. But idk I think he might just want me as a booty call. But I invited him out on the 6th or 7th. So WHO KNOWS! This is a test, if he takes it he's going to win lots of point and if not then I will be kinda disappointed and Idk if I will still talk to him. I hope we go out. I know next weekend he's going up north... He didnt tell me about that either. Maybe he is just as guarded as I am. Maybe he does like me. Idk we will see!! I'll keep ya updated! Promise.

May 30th, 2012 Bryan

So I've been talking to this new guy, Bryan. I really really like him, but I really don't know if he just wants to do stuff with me or if he wants to do stuff with me. I haven't felt like this since Jeff and I very first started talking. I'm always second guessing what  I text him, whenever he says something to me I always tell myself he's not that into me. I always check my phone to see if he texted me. He's so freaking cute! I'm so scared I'm going to mess stuff up! Ahh! There are some things at give me a hint that he wants something more than sex, but then again he's super good with girls. 

Him and his ex have been on and off for a while though. Whenever they are going out I don't hear from him then when they break up I do. I think she's bigger in weight. I picture him to be with skinny ass girls not someone like her. Natalie Mehlhorn, some girls from work know her. I don't want to ask about her because what if he's not a great guy or something.

We went out last Saturday nite, with his friends. I kinda made him pay for me to get in but then he asked what I like to drink, I said a vodka and orange juice, he got me a drink. Then later in the night he randomly got me another one. I didn't expect that. It was kinda sweet. Then we went to a party of someone he knew and Josh was way to drunk. He kept trying to rap with a guy at the party. Matt was saying "he's getting married tomorrow" and "he's a producer". I think he was trying to get him to fight. I don't know but when we were making out his friend Matt kept interrupting. Bryan was getting pissed off at them. We got in the car and I said to Josh if he threw up on me I was going to hit him. Bryan and Matt laughed and Bryan said "I'll accept that." Matt asked if I would go out with Bryan, I said no and laughed. I didn't know what to say! Of course I would go out with him if he asked! Ugh.

Boys are stupid.

October 4th, 2010 Stupid boyfriend

Ok, thing is I have no one to talk to. My mom is a nagging, needs to control everything, complain about everything bitch, who don't stick up for me for shit. Her boyfriend bitches at everything as well, and complains I don't do anything. My sister, even tho we are getting along better, tells everyone everything I would say to her. My kid is 8 months old. My "boyfriend" is never around.

So with the srat of things, my boyfriend, we will call him leech. Didn't get me shit for my birthday. Always runs away to his friends house. Don't help watch his own kid. Bitches at me to do everything. Uses every excuse in the book, not to do something and to go out with his friends. I try and try to convince myself to let him go. But something always hold me back. FOr some stupid reason I always go back. STUPID! He has been in and out of jail, still at the age of 22 almost 23 STILL hanging out with the same loser friends that got him in there. I do not know what to do. He always chooses them over me. He doesn't even live with me anymore. He is suppose to be living with his parents, but since tonight I have a bad feeling that he is not. He finally got a job, and bitched that I was gonna file for child support on him. Which I was not. We got in a HUGE FIGHT because of that.  Tonight, he fucking

May 15th, 2012 The Update

May 15th, 2012

So lots has happened. Jeff and I been broken up since September, 2011. He has gotten back with his ex-girlfriend Vanessa. It really broke my heart at first but now... Now it just feels like the moment you see your crash flirting with another girl the same way he was flirting with you... It feels like that. When your heart just sorta aches a bit. Any who, they are having a kid. Yeah she's pregnant. -sigh- This is where my heart stops for a minute and my mind turns blank. Like a deer with head lights pointed straight at him. 

The thing that sucks is that I don't have time to be sad about it I don't have time to cry over it. I can't because my sister will tell everyone. He will use it against me. It will show weakness and I can't do that. He will throw it in my face and try to make it seem like his life is so great. Then it will hurt me even more.

 It's sad to think, that the only reason why I feel for this guy was because he was different from everyone else I dated. This was the guy who I didn't sleep with for 2 months after first started dating and the day after we first had sex... he bought me a rose. I think it was in his parents house upstairs in his bedroom. This same guy was the one who asked, asked if he could kiss me. Who rode his bike over all the time just to see me. I remember when he told me "Your the best girlfriend I ever had. I don't deserve someone like you". I remember him telling me that all the time. I remember I couldn't get enough of him. Then I look back and I realize that I couldn't get enough of him because he was never around enough. It all was about his friends and having a good time. I don't see why I couldn't see all the signs. 

All I want is to have a good relationship, as in FRIENDSHIP with him so Stella wouldn't feel stuck between us. That's all. Just a nice friendly relationship. I don't think that's fair for him to make her choose. If he missed her so much, he'd love to go to the park with both of us, NOT WITH VANESSA. 

He was a complete horseshit father to begin with. HORSE SHIT. He would walk by her and didn't recognize her existence.Never spent any time with her, never did anything with her. When he watched her he would sleep and ignore her. He would barely feed her and let everyone else watch her. How is that not going to mess up a child? How is that ok for a parent to do? I can understand depression, but repeating it over and over again. There comes a point when enough is enough. I feel so dumb, I was the only one who had faith in him on more than one occasion. 

It kills me to not know why he left....